The Undone Soldier
by Yoruki Hiiragizawa
Summary: What if an oblivious unromanced Kaidan decided to declare his undying love to a 'one-turian kind of' Shepard? [COMPLETE]
1. Unpredictable

**Mass Effect** and its characters don't belong to me.

* * *

 _ **Unpredictable**_

He had everything planned out. Except for the outcome.

After the Cerberus coup on the Citadel and the tense moment where he stared down Shepard's gun barrel, Kaidan was sure the Commander would be so pissed at him that would kick him out of her way on the first opportunity.

So he fidgeted and paced around the _Normandy_ 's airlock entryway, but wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't ask her whether there was any possibility to join her again.

He was pleasantly surprised by the answer.

It even allowed him to think that he could still have a shot with her. As long as he found the nerve to confess his feelings, that is.

Inside the ship he kept mostly to himself. He had a lot to think about – with his dad being MIA and his mother alone on a sieged Earth – and, despite the Commander's warm welcoming, he still felt that the crew looked at him with a bit of suspicion.

He actually could understand that. He'd been with Shepard in the beginning and ended up pointing his gun at her. That must look like some kind of betrayal from the outside.

More often than not Kaidan was caught by surprise by the fact that he'd forgotten what was like to work under Shepard. The daily meetings to strategize, the openness about Intel, the full briefing before the ground missions and long – sometimes boarding on exhausting – debriefs afterwards.

It seemed so much like the old times.

And yet, things were different. For one: the ground squad lacked some of the familiar faces – Ash's being the one he felt more deeply (whoever said that survivor's guilt goes away with time, didn't know what they were talking about).

He also frequently found himself baffled by Garrus' contributions and the fact that Shepard seemed to rely heavily on his opinion – the rest of the team seemed used to it, though. And there was nothing wrong about the turian's tactical analysis; it just tugged at some part of him that the hotheaded turian from the _SR-1_ had turned into such a capable leader while he wasn't looking.

By that account, he still couldn't believe that Tali was an Admiral among her people either!

And he couldn't even start making his mind about Liara being the Shadow Broker…

He also couldn't help but notice there was a change about how Shepard dealt with ground team composition. He remembered her keeping a leveled rotation before, but now, Garrus seemed to be a frequent presence there. He more than once got the squad wondering who would be _the third element_ on Shepard's ground team as if the turian's place was solidified.

Nobody seemed bothered by the Commander's lack of rotation on the assault team. Their reaction actually spoke of habit.

It made some kind of sense. Garrus was with Shepard ever since the chase of Saren; he stood beside her on the Collector mission and they had been fighting together on the Reaper War almost from its wake – while he had been stuck in a hospital bed.

Garrus might just be some kind of stability figure on the chaos raised by the millennia-old machines. Even Shepard needed some semblance of normalcy once in a while.

That thought, more than anything, was what gave Kaidan the idea to organize a quiet dinner on the Citadel the next time they've docked.

When Shepard was trying to deactivate the Reaper base (which turned out to be a Reaper) on Rannoch, he felt his heart almost stop as she decided to take the Reaper out on foot.

After everything was said and done with the geth and quarians somehow settling on peace, both joining the War, Kaidan had decided that he'd use the dinner on the Citadel to tell her how he felt.

On their way back to the Citadel, because of a request from the Asari Councilor, Kaidan tried to talk to the Commander in order to invite her personally. She was strangely unavailable and he had to settle into sending her a message.

They arrived at the Citadel during what passed by the night cycle and had to wait till the next morning to speak with Tevos. So Shepard gave the crew some hours of shore leave.

He was as nervous as he could remember while waiting for her to show up and it didn't help him that when she did – wearing civvies instead of her BDUs, no less – she took his breath away.

They talked, laughed for a while, bantered and remembered the 'good ol' times'. When the talk inevitably turned to the war and something he said made her ask if he hadn't been able to sleep properly, Kaidan steeled himself and blurted about his feelings and his wishes for a future by her side.

"But that's what I want. What do you want, Shepard?" he asked.

She was startled; that much he could see. She never looked away while she absorbed what he'd told her. But her easy smile had left her and the camaraderie that existed between them just a second before was completely gone.

He thought he knew what her answer was going to be even before she opened her mouth. He was only half-right.

"Kaidan, I had no idea you felt that way." she looked down for a minute and rubbed her forehead. "I mean, I'm flattered, but…"

"You don't feel the same." he filled in when she hesitated.

"Yeah. That. And I'm with someone else." That he hadn't expected. "I thought you knew. I mean, we're not spreading it around the Galaxy, but Garrus's been bunking up on the Captain's quarter ever since he came back aboard the _Normandy_."

"Garrus?" Okay, THAT he really hadn't expected, but then again, maybe he should have.

"Yes, _Garrus_." he noticed that she tensed up, crossing her arms and daring him to say anything insulting.

"Since when?" he asked and she relaxed a bit.

"Ever since the Omega-4 Relay."

"Are you happy with him?"

She looked to her hands over the table and smiled – tenderly and sheepishly and completely un-Shepard-like – in a way that almost caused him physical pain.

Her answer was brief 'Yes.' though, and he was thankful for that, because he wouldn't be able to bear it if she started gloating about _how_ happy she was.

"Huh," they were silent for some uncomfortable moments while he mulled over that, then shook his head and sighed. "It actually kind of makes sense," he said more to himself than to her. "The two of you have always been like two peas in a pod, of sorts."

"I'm really sor-"

"Don't apologize, Commander." He grinned at her, though it was forced. "I'm just glad that, no matter what'll happen, I've taken that out of my chest this time around." He didn't mean to say it like that, but she cringed at the meaning of that statement. His following sentence was a try on levity. "Incidentally, you should be paying the bill, now…"

Her snort was completely un-lady-like, but she nodded in agreement. After they placed their orders, their talk moved toward war related matters, the pros and cons of being a Spectre and other safe subjects.

They left the Presidium together and headed back to the _Normandy_ 's docking bay in the most awkward elevator ride of his life. And it became even worse when they met Garrus talking to a C-Sec officer near the rapid transport.

"Hey," the turian greeted them flapping his mandibles. "How was dinner?"

"It was good." Shepard answered, stopping beside him. "Kind of bittersweet."

"Thousands of times better than MREs and nutrient paste, though." Kaidan added, with no real mirth.

"I bet." Garrus said, sounding just a bit amused. "So, Shepard, are you free now?" he drawled, inching slightly towards her.

Kaidan couldn't stop the thought that he probably wouldn't have noticed it before.

She gave him a tight-lipped smile and looked at Kaidan in a silent question.

He nodded. "Thank you for joining me for dinner, Shepard."

"It was a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me."

And with that Kaidan turned around and started making his way to the ship. Behind him, he heard the Commander ask Garrus what he had in mind, before getting out of earshot.

That was definitely an unpredictable outcome.

##


	2. Uneasiness

**Mass Effect** and its characters don't belong to me.

* * *

 _ **Uneasiness**_

Kaidan wished he could say that after being rejected by Shepard he got over it and moved on without a struggle. That couldn't be farther from the truth, though.

Part of him – the soldierly part – was actually impressed (though a bit pissed off, too) that the two of them could act as professionally as they did.

There was no real sign of a more personal relationship on their behaviors during missions and still, whenever he was called to be a part of the ground squad, he felt as an awkward third wheel and couldn't stop himself from looking for issues on Garrus' conduct.

The turian had to make mistakes somewhere; after all, his girlfriend was his Commander and had an above average tendency of throwing herself in harm's way. And quite literally.

That was the reason the Alliance forbade fraternization, wasn't it? (Never mind that, if she would have him, he'd be willing to break the rules for once.)

He actually couldn't understand how Garrus was able to keep a leveled head seeing Shepard bioticaly charge the enemies the way she did.

If she were _his_ girl, he'd call her on her lack of personal safety; convince her to be more careful, to fight smarter without putting herself in danger as often.

Instead, Garrus kept his distance on the battlefield, taking out the enemies that kept at range and clearing a perimeter around the _'human hurricane'_ , further allowing her to act recklessly.

Another part of him wondered how the hell the turian could act so nonchalantly about their relationship, as if it was an ordinary thing to be dating Commander Shepard.

Kaidan couldn't stop thinking that she _deserved_ better than that. She deserved someone who weren't afraid of showing what she meant to them; someone who weren't ashamed of their relationship.

Someone better than Garrus Vakarian.

It was slowly getting under his skin.

It was not until their search for the _Leviathan_ creature led them to Despoina that he'd seen their professionalism crack.

Though his understanding of turian facial expressions and sub vocals was lacking, to say the least, Garrus' uncertainty and concern before Shepard launched herself on the deep sea in the old mech was loud and clear even in the simple act of saying her name. Their locked gazes were a silent shout that made him cringe when she said _"I'll be fine."_

When they lost contact to her, Kaidan had to hold Garrus back to stop him from going to another _Tritan_.

"Something's happened. We need to help her!" Garrus snarled at him, trying to get free as more Reaper troops started showering down on them.

"We need to keep the deck clear for her to come back!" Kaidan said, reaving a Brute before shooting a Cannibal.

When the last two Marauders fell, Kaidan scoffed and shook his head attracting a glare from the turian.

"What's funny?" The anger was simmering in Garrus' voice.

"She's always risking her life, charging around and putting herself in jeopardy, and you're always so calm about it," Kaidan started, looking at Garrus. "What's different now?"

"I'm not at her six now."

If that'd been said with any trace of smugness, Kaidan would've laughed, asking since when did Shepard need Garrus Vakarian to protect her, but it was stated as matter-of-factly that the Biotic couldn't deny its truth. Vakarian really did have her back at all times during battles allowing her to fight at the best of her capacity with reduced risks.

Any reply Kaidan might've wanted to make was cut short as a new wave of Reapers fell down from the skies.

They were in the middle of the firefight when Shepard surfaced, but instead of start shooting rockets at the Brutes marching towards the shuttle, the _Tritan_ 's hatch simply opened, letting out a limp Shepard on the deck floor.

Before Kaidan could even register what was going on, Garrus launched himself after her; all thought about tactics and strategy gone to hell. The turian's movements were jerked and hasty in opposition to his usual sniper precision.

He'd finally seen Garrus' mask fall…

And now he was selfishly wishing he hadn't.

It dawned on Kaidan that the 'professional distance' he'd observed on the two of them so many times during battles wasn't actually due to the lack of feelings. On the contrary: it was just their way to make sure the other would be safe, because losing control of their feelings was dangerous.

He'd known that. He'd always had.

Bizarrely enough, one of the Brutes attacked the other, buying Garrus the time to get Shepard to safety.

They went on automatic motions till they were in the shuttle and leaving the planet.

Garrus had Shepard lain on the floor, scanning her with his 'tool. "She's freezing!" He said with sheer desperation.

When Shepard gasped and started coughing, the Major let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"You okay?" Garrus asked with a startling frailty.

"Yeah, yeah!" Her answer was rattled and laced in another coughing fit. She grinned, strained. "Hell of a headache, though."

But Garrus wasn't amazed. Kaidan had the impression that if turians could cry, he'd be tearing up as he said: " _Never_ do _that_ again."

Shepard's answer was interrupted when Cortez announced that Ann Bryson was on the Comm. Kaidan thought that she wouldn't give her boyfriend's plea an answer, anyway.

After she gave a quick report to the Doctor, the Commander collapsed on the shuttle's seat, paler than she had been a second before.

Garrus kneeled in front of her and – _when had he taken his gauntlets off?_ – took her face in his hands with a delicacy Kaidan never imagined him capable of. Her hands touched his scarred mandibles and for a moment, Kaidan thought they would kiss, right there and then.

Instead, Shepard touched his forehead with hers and sighed deeply whispering something to her boyfriend's ears only.

Feeling like a voyeur, the human walked over to the cockpit and closed the door, giving them some privacy.

That War had left everyone broken somehow – _over lost family, lost homeplanets, lost friends… Lost life everywhere_ – but he didn't want to think about how Shepard looked ripped apart at that moment.

He didn't want to admit that he wouldn't know what to do with a broken Commander Shepard.

The destiny of the Galaxy was hanging on her being whole.

And it was selfish of him, but, for the first time, Kaidan was grateful not to be the one responsible for holding her together, because he didn't know if he'd be up to the task.

* * *

 **Notes:**

I always thought that Garrus' reaction on the Leviathan DLC was a bit out of character, even though he and Shepard are in a relationship. So I wanted to explore this.

Also, I have this idea of Kaidan being a real sticky kind of boyfriend, with some real old-fashioned ideas about the dynamics of a relationship (I can't really explain why, he just rubs me that way...), but I don't think Shepard would survive in a relationship with someone who keeps trying to cut her wings in order to protect her. It's just that Kaidan seems to be the sort of guy who needs a damsel in distress, and that's just not who Shepard is.

It's one of the reasons I can't really picture them together. He'd be perfect with Liara, though or Dr. Michel.

I hope the read had been at least interesting!

Don't forget to Comment!


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